Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Broken Hearted Girl

Ciao dears,
        So, I mentioned in my last post I was dealing with something and was “speechless” (not really that I had nothing to say, just that I didn’t want to talk about it with the world).  Well, the reason I’ve been upset is that my boyfriend and I broke up. Crying face  I don’t want to share too many specific details with the world or even most people I know.  This is for a few reasons.  First of all, on one hand, I hate talking about it because it makes me sad all over again, while on the other hand, I feel like I need to talk about it a little or I’ll go insane.  Second, Adi disliked when I would sometimes write about specifics of our relationship on here.  I suppose that shouldn’t matter to me anymore, why should I care if it bothers him?? I do though, because I’m hopeless, so I won’t for that reason as well.  I am going to write about my feelings and a few things though, so if you’re interested ,read on. 
        We broke up on Saturday and I have never been so devastated and broken hearted in my life.  Maybe when my parents got divorced, that was worse, but other than that, never.  I may look fine if you see me walking around pretending like I’m okay, but on the inside I’m a mess: a sad, pathetic, crying mess.  I’ve always been good at hiding my feelings in most cases (not with Adi for some reason, maybe I should have?).  When I’m alone though, for the past few days, I’ve sat in my office in my basement listening to absolutely every “sad, broken-hearted girl, boys are awful, lying, heartless, soul-crushing bastards, but I love him anyway” type song (I’ve included some favorites throughout this post) I can find, while crying my eyes out.  Maybe I made a playlist entitled “Boys suck!”  Every lyric reminds me of him and how much I miss him and wish that he missed me. 
“Please remember, remember December. We were so in love back then.” “I remember us together, with the promise of forever.”
        I may have sent him a ridiculously long message to which he did not respond at all!  That hurt me even more.  He has nothing to say to me at all, really?!  After 3 months, all the things we’ve shared, the time we’ve spent together, the things we said to each other.  After all of that, you had no response to my heartfelt message.  If I were more of a bitch, like maybe I should be sometimes, (I’m too nice, maybe some people don’t deserve it…but I can’t change, and I shouldn’t) I would have told him: “Go try and find another girl like me, not going to happen, ever!  Go be with one of those girls with 10 boyfriends, 10 diseases, and who wouldn’t have been as sweet and understanding as I am!  If you loved me like you said you did, you could have made time for me.  If you had loved me and if I was everything you had wanted, you’d be at my door right now begging for my forgiveness and telling me you love me.  It’s your loss!”  Of course, I’d never say that to him, because I wouldn’t mean it.  I want him to be happy.  Unfortunately for me, I still love him.  Maybe I always will; I don’t know.  He probably doesn’t deserve it. 
“If we stay or walk away, there’s one thing that’s true. I still love you.” Such a beautiful song.
         What if I never love anyone else like that again?  What if he was my prince, my chance at true love, and now he’s gone from my life and could care less about me anymore?  What if I’m over reacting and need to get a grip?! Ha!  I know, I do still have a brain.  I realize he was my first and only boyfriend.  I have liked boys before and was sad when they didn’t like me back…but not this sad.  It’s like multiplying how sad I was when that boy from college didn’t like me by 1000!  It’s not a great feeling. Sad smile  I know it’s awful, but I still wish he’d show up at my door, tell me he’s sorry for ignoring my message, that he has some kind of reason, that he’d apologize, and tell me he still does and always will love me.  I still wish he’d hold me, kiss me, and make me feel like he loves me again.  Maybe I’m really stupid to still hope for all of that; I should hate him.  I should think that if he showed up at my door, I’d slam it in his face.  How dare he make me feel like this and not care!  I can’t do it though, I can’t make myself hate him.  I still believe he’s a good guy; he’s still all of the things that made me love him in the first place.  He didn’t cheat on me or anything.  He was never really mean to me.  I think if it weren’t for certain issues in his life, maybe we’d still be together.  Maybe I’m just being delusional, who knows?! 
“Stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had, but I still mean every word I said to you.” “Something keeps me holding on to nothing.”
        I really did think for a while that we would be together forever.  It was not just me though.  He said and did things that made me feel like we would.  He loved me, I’m sure of it.  If he still does now, I have no idea.  I guess not, maybe he can just get rid of or ignore those feelings, but I can’t.  I don’t want to believe it, but I guess I’ll have to eventually.  I really wonder though, what if I never find a man like that again.  I know other guys like me.  I don’t have low self esteem.  I know I’m a beautiful, intelligent, sweet, kind, understanding, and pretty damn amazing girl!  I don’t mean to sound arrogant, I just like myself, which is a good thing that not all girls…or people have learned to do.  Anyway, I worry that I’ll never find another guy with certain qualities or that I love as much.  A lot of guys that I’ve seen in my life or talked to when I was still on that dating website before I met Adi, were not that mature.  A lot of them only want one thing, which they are sure as hell not getting from me until there is a wedding ring on my finger, if you know what I mean.  That belief alone, no matter how many other good qualities I have, will scare away most guys.  I never felt like Adi would pressure me to do anything I didn’t or was not ready to do, he told me he wouldn’t even.  That’s not particularly easy to find with most guys.  I also liked that he is a little older and more experienced than me (most people are though, lol) but he didn’t make me feel bad about it.  He never made me feel bad about the fact that I’d never been in a relationship, or had never been kissed before him.  I also loved that he wanted to be so serious rather soon.  He told me very quickly that he didn’t want to see anyone else, among other things that implied he was serious about me.  A lot of guys near my age are not looking for that.  They want to be with a lot of girls or have casual flings…and that’s just not me.  I don’t want that at all.  I want a guy who wants to be with only me...forever.  I also loved that he was very family-oriented.  He loved and was close to his family and he wanted to discuss future plans about family with me.  Those are just a few things I fear I won’t find again in a guy and even if I do…it still won’t be him…  God, I’m so hopeless. 
"You told me you loved me so why did you go?" "I don't know how to be something you miss" :(
        I wonder if he has any idea what he meant…or still means to me.  Probably not.  As much as I should and almost wish I could hate him, I can’t.  I love him and it kills me.  Luckily, I have some sweet friends and family members who have talked to me, messaged me, or come to see me and cheer me up a bit.  Thank you Dominick; you’re a good friend and very sweet. Smile  I hope this post does not offend or upset anyone, but it is my blog and I will say what I want on it.  I wrote nothing that was not true and nothing that really gave away any specific details either. 
“I was a dreamer before you and you let me down”
        Thanks for reading if you did.  Feel free to comment if you would like.  I appreciate it.  I’ll probably go back to wallowing in my misery now while attempting to do a million papers and projects for school…  This has to have been the best damn spring break ever: I have homework in all of my classes to do (4 projects for one class!, who knows how many other projects/papers! for the others, like 5-6 books to read!), I’ve broken up with the guy I thought would love me forever, and I’m a miserable fu**ing mess.  Woo! (Hopefully you got the sarcasm…lol!)  Talk to you all later.  I’ll try to post a bunch of outfit pictures I have saved up from the past month or so soon.                          
"I love you more than I did before And I'm sorry that it's this way... And if you ask me, I will stay" Love this song!

“Come back, come back, come back to me like you would, you would, if this was a movie. Stand in the rain outside til I come out.” “I just want it back the way it was before and I just wanna see you back at my front door.”

                                                                                 Xoxo Gabriella

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